Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
When I grow up, I want to be 16
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*