*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
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My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.