”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
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A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I wasn鈥檛 craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it鈥檚 on sale.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 馃檨
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
3% human
97% stress
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Candles never taste the way they smell
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Somebody鈥檚 car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 馃檨
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins