@greek_heanen

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

You Might Also Like

@Beer4AGoodTime

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

@Dani_Feld

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

@liljonlovitz

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

@Clint4USA

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

@KLC47

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

@EndhooS

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

@MatCro

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

@TitansHomer

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!