wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
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I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
become ungovernable
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?