Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*