Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
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If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Finally!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.