*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.


In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.


[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”


Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.


Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.


If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.


[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy


My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.