*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
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I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My background check bounced.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely