Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.