Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
You Might Also Like
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.