Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.