Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
lmao
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.