Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.