Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Can’t stop laughing
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.