Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Two types of dogs.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.