Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
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outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.