*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
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This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?