*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
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My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Those are good neighbors.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again