[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
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My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s