*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
You Might Also Like
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.