Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
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I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji