*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Extremely relatable.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no