Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
The Assassin.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*