WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”


Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.


salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before


God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?


Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.


My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.


Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain


first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it


Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.


If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.