@QwertyJones3

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

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@Dakota_Conduct

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

@BobTheSuit

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

@Reverend_Scott

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

@Laser_Cat

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

@simoncholland

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

@Quartzjixler

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

@KWalps

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

@Browtweaten

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

@KevinFarzad

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

@NYC_Blonde

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.