Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
This guy’s not having it 😆
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
hmmm
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?