WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
It be like that sometimes 😆
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend