WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
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Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
these two trucks have the same bed length
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m aging like a fine banana
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?