@ChefRonSullivan

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

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@GoldenSpirals

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

@fuzzlime

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

@BrettDruck

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

@Midgetspar

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

@marcusthetoken

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

@Lisabug74

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

@PaperWash

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

@mllebeckyrose

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

@ch000ch

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

@awkwardphilippe

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart