WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash