.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”