WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
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SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.