WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee