Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
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Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.