website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
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GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon