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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?