#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth