“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
You Might Also Like
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Got him!
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.