“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
channeling her this year
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.