[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets