Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
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Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
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When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up