Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
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Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
shit just got real
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*