Wedding planning is organized crime.
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FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now