@JimmerThatisAll
@IamJackBoot I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
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@IamJackBoot 
@samalmightysam The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
@crunchenhanced Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
@XennDad My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
@SondraDeeMe [in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
@JoParkerBear [panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
@SADCHICANA why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
@matty_up spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
@Laser_Cat The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
@I___Aphrodite I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂