@JimmerThatisAll

Wedding planning is organized crime.

You Might Also Like

@IamJackBoot

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

@samalmightysam

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

@XennDad

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

@SondraDeeMe

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

@JoParkerBear

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

@SADCHICANA

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

@matty_up

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

@Laser_Cat

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

@I___Aphrodite

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂