Wedding planning is organized crime.

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I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.


The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.


My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high


[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise


[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me


why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism


spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability


The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”


I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂