[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I bet
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.