[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
OKAY DAD