[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
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You have a shot with a pool table.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)