Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic