[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
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Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Natty or not?
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut