Wednesday
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My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I’m literally crying
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying