Wednesday
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ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Living the best life.. 😊
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’