Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

I feel seen

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died