@DirtMcTurd

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

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@flashember

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

@leannuh

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

@omswarth

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

@KarateAlien

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

@LurkAtHomeMom

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

@TheToddWilliams

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

@audipenny

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

@Mardigroan

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

@Rich_McCarthy

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?