mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
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[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?