Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.