Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*