Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me