WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
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How long do you have to wait between naps?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
What
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied